6/30 - Hardships

What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

The hardest thing I have ever experienced is often difficult for me to explain. So it seems only right to start at the beginning of the story and let the pieces fall where they may.

My freshman year of college my roommate and I had a tense relationship. We were able to cohabitate and tolerate one another, but we were never very close. Slowly but sure I became very close with the girl who lived next door, KK. KK and I had the same love of Mario Kart, Pokemon, reading, Washington DC, and laughing. It was only the cherry on top that we were both out of state honors students as well. We became best fiends quickly. As our freshman year began to draw to a close, we decided that we would be living together off campus in a three bedroom apartment. Sophomore year was wonderful, I spent the year being a stereotypical college student living with my best friend. No one to tell us to be quiet or wash the dishes - but we kept each other grounded and attempted to balance utter independence with schoolwork.

At some point between our sophomore and junior year something within KK changed. She became angry more frequently and slowly stated drinking more and doing drugs. This was never something that I was comfortable with, but let it go simply because I hated confrontation. Slowly but surely she began to take advantage of me. Utilities payments became short (if they ever came to me at all) and our living room was generally filled with a haze of smoke. I realized that this wasn't how I wanted to spend my senior year, and quickly started looking for a new place to live the following year. A few days later I was on my way to sign a lease with five (other) friends. After telling KK my decision not to stay at our apartment the following year things went from bad to worse.

I began to feel alienated in my own home. We could be in the same room together and KK would look through me as if I didn't exist. My opinions meant nothing to her, and slowly but surely I stopped leaving my room because it was just easier. She went from being my best friend to being the most vindictive person I had ever met. I couldn't make sense of the transformation in my head. As I was unable to break out of this funk that was all around be I began slipping into a state of depression. I assumed it was something that I could handle on my own and refused to discuss the matter or even acknowledge that anything inside of me had changed. Finally, after being home for spring break and having to admit to my parents that my grades had taken a nosedive I realized this wasn't normal, and I needed help.

I wasn't me anymore. I could smile to get through the day, but few things made me genuinely happy like they used to. The transition was slow, so I didn't notice how unhappy I was every day. I spent the rest of that year at home. I didn't return to school for the spring. I took the time to go to therapy and understand the root of my problems. I learned people who truly care about you don't walk all over you and that in order to be truly happy I must first love myself.

Spending time at home was the best decision I ever made. It forced me to take a look at who I was and what I wanted. I have the most supportive parents in the world who were with me every step of the way. I battled through the depression, and came out stronger because of it. I am beyond blessed that I was given the opportunity to start a new chapter in my life. Battling depression and coming out on top proved to me that I was stronger than I ever believed I could be. I am now the biggest advocate for therapy and the importance of sorting out all problems rather than ignoring them.

Though this experience was tough, and still has me a little rough around the edges - I have learned so much about myself and about the world through it.